Not-so-Snow White

I know that you expect from me,
A silly verse that sounds naughty.
But dirty thoughts I now must end…
…except when out with filthy friends!

Boogie Woogie Angel

(In fond memory of Maria)

No botox for me, not a tuck nor a nip,
While you get replacements, I stay lookin hip.
So catch that jive, on a prayer and a wing,
Cause heaven will rock when I teach it to swing!

Miss T Ree

What would I say if you should ask,
Who is the one behind the mask?
I would reveal that I am free
To hide my own identity!

Empty Vessels

It happens as a general rule,
In every pack, one finds a fool.
Experience in life will show,
Who knows the least will loudest crow.

Deep Shit!

They say I’ll never be scribe,
Because my words just jest and jibe.
But spare me the monotony
Of deadly earnest poetry!

The Workman’s Club

I’m tithed and taxed, and yet they knife
The earnings from my working life.
I pay my dues, but must concede
That there is nothing left to bleed.

Show me yours!

I went to my doctor full of hope,
That he might let me touch his stethescope.
But when he heard the pounding in my chest,
He started to examine both my breasts!

And I said “what’s up doc, you know I’m feeling fine,
But you must show me yours, before I show you mine!”

Paid a visit to my lawyer for a price,
On how to sue my virtue for my vice,
But my learned friend was of the firm belief,
He’d have to look much closer through my briefs!

And I said, “Dahling it would be a ghastly crime,
If you don’t show me yours, before I show you mine!

My shares did not go up but just fell down,
Making my accountant fuss and frown.
He insisted to increase my darker debit,
He’d have to fiddle with my figure for some credit.

And I said, “Count your blessings adding every dime,
If you don’t show me yours, before I show you mine!”

I dropped into my butcher for a treat,
To feast upon a piece of juicy meat.
But in order to get value for his pound,
He tried to weigh my rump the wrong way round!

But as I’m seasoned with a pinch of sage and time,
I said, “weigh up yours, before you weigh up mine.”

I popped into my grocer for some fruit,
When he asked me if I’d like to take a root.
But then he made a gesture so obscene,
When he displayed his purple aubergine!

And I said, “Dahling have it rippened on the vine,
But since you’ve shown me yours, I shall not show you mine!

Bad Cat

The Celtic Cat, so hip it grew
To bite off more than it could chew.
Its back is broke, neck is hung
It hunts its prey, and eat its young!

Bad Debt

I gave you love, you took for free,
My heart ‘s in negative equity.
On this account, there’s nothing ranker
To waste your life on some old banker!

Oh dahling, you’re not good enough for me!

Ever since the dawn of time began,
I’ve slept with one eye open for a man.
But as they rise and fall,
I’m not satisfied at all,
And all that I can do is cry and plea,

Oh dahling, is there anyone for me!

When my love life made its fatal start,
I adored my teddy bear with all my heart.
But then he formed a dirty habit
And ran off with my rabbit,
And all that I could do was sigh and seethe,

Oh dahling, you were not the one for me!

I remember on a pink and perky day,
I met a man, who smiled at me, so gay.
But then he hopped out of my closet,
And left with no deposit
When he made off in my favourite lingerie,

And I thought, dahling, you were not the one for me!

I decided, that my tactics, I must switch,
And find myself a man who’s filthy rich.
But when I found myself a honey
All he had was dirty money,
And the cad, he never spent a cent, you see,

So I knew, dahling, you were not the one for me!

I dared to find myself a Romeo,
Who knew, upon a woman, where to go.
But while he fumbled quite a lot
He failed to hit the spot,
And I’m sure, that every woman would agree

When I say, dahling, you were not the one for me!

I found myself a gent that dripped with charm,
And I fancied myself hanging from his arm.
But then I saw him with a pram,
And I thought, damn, a married man
As I fell out, once again, with destiny,

As I cried, dahling, you were never meant to be.

But still the search goes on, you see, in vain,
As I paste my smile to cover up the pain.
So while I hold my breath
I think I’ll drink myself to death,
While I search for Mr Right indefinitely,

For dahling, nobody is good enough for me!

Dorothy Darker will be appearing at the Vertical Rhythm Club on Monday 20th September 2010 at the Button Factory in Temple Bar during the Absolute Fringe 2010