Show me yours!

April 17, 2011

I went to my doctor full of hope,
That he might let me touch his stethescope.
But when he heard the pounding in my chest,
He started to examine both my breasts!

And I said “what’s up doc, you know I’m feeling fine,
But you must show me yours, before I show you mine!”

Paid a visit to my lawyer for a price,
On how to sue my virtue for my vice,
But my learned friend was of the firm belief,
He’d have to look much closer through my briefs!

And I said, “Dahling it would be a ghastly crime,
If you don’t show me yours, before I show you mine!

My shares did not go up but just fell down,
Making my accountant fuss and frown.
He insisted to increase my darker debit,
He’d have to fiddle with my figure for some credit.

And I said, “Count your blessings adding every dime,
If you don’t show me yours, before I show you mine!”

I dropped into my butcher for a treat,
To feast upon a piece of juicy meat.
But in order to get value for his pound,
He tried to weigh my rump the wrong way round!

But as I’m seasoned with a pinch of sage and time,
I said, “weigh up yours, before you weigh up mine.”

I popped into my grocer for some fruit,
When he asked me if I’d like to take a root.
But then he made a gesture so obscene,
When he displayed his purple aubergine!

And I said, “Dahling have it rippened on the vine,
But since you’ve shown me yours, I shall not show you mine!

Bad Cat

March 30, 2011

The Celtic Cat, so hip it grew
To bite off more than it could chew.
Its back is broke, neck is hung
It hunts its prey, and eat its young!

Bad Debt

September 21, 2010

I gave you love, you took for free,
My heart ‘s in negative equity.
On this account, there’s nothing ranker
To waste your life on some old banker!

Ever since the dawn of time began,
I’ve slept with one eye open for a man.
But as they rise and fall,
I’m not satisfied at all,
And all that I can do is cry and plea,

Oh dahling, is there anyone for me!

When my love life made its fatal start,
I adored my teddy bear with all my heart.
But then he formed a dirty habit
And ran off with my rabbit,
And all that I could do was sigh and seethe,

Oh dahling, you were not the one for me!

I remember on a pink and perky day,
I met a man, who smiled at me, so gay.
But then he hopped out of my closet,
And left with no deposit
When he made off in my favourite lingerie,

And I thought, dahling, you were not the one for me!

I decided, that my tactics, I must switch,
And find myself a man who’s filthy rich.
But when I found myself a honey
All he had was dirty money,
And the cad, he never spent a cent, you see,

So I knew, dahling, you were not the one for me!

I dared to find myself a Romeo,
Who knew, upon a woman, where to go.
But while he fumbled quite a lot
He failed to hit the spot,
And I’m sure, that every woman would agree

When I say, dahling, you were not the one for me!

I found myself a gent that dripped with charm,
And I fancied myself hanging from his arm.
But then I saw him with a pram,
And I thought, damn, a married man
As I fell out, once again, with destiny,

As I cried, dahling, you were never meant to be.

But still the search goes on, you see, in vain,
As I paste my smile to cover up the pain.
So while I hold my breath
I think I’ll drink myself to death,
While I search for Mr Right indefinitely,

For dahling, nobody is good enough for me!

Dorothy Darker will be appearing at the Vertical Rhythm Club on Monday 20th September 2010 at the Button Factory in Temple Bar during the Absolute Fringe 2010

Bleak Houses

August 3, 2010

Sitting in my ghost estate,
I’m haunted by my empty plate.
But markets fall and walls crash down
When built with envelopes of brown!

Let them eat cake!

July 6, 2010

He said, she said, he owes my arse,
A typical day of political farce.
Gaels blow hot air at mean green’s fáil –
An average bun fight in the dáil!

Amazing Disgrace!

April 10, 2010

They say, pour moi, to have allure,
One must be graceful and mature.
But such advice I shall misplace
And just grow old with much disgrace.

Off the Market

March 1, 2010

Once I had a shopping list
Of perfect men who don’t exist.
My body ‘s weak, my heart is sore.
I am not shopping any more!

A Single Lifeicle

January 11, 2010

Trudging through the grit and grime,
Passing out Old Father Time,
One does surmise as one grows old,
That one is left out in the cold!

Underneath the Christmas tree
Santa left a man for me.
“Oh Dahling”, shouted I with glee,
“We’ll be as happy as can be.”

The first weeks were a mist of bliss,
Each day ended with a kiss.
But soon that kiss became a hiss
And I knew something was amiss.

He did not like my style of hair.
He did not like my underwear.
He said my face was far from fair.
And soon, for him, I did not care.

He pawed and mauled my bends and curves
And said, “Don’t eat so much hors d’oeuvres”.
So very soon I did observe
That he was getting on my nerves.

He would not let me stay at home
When I’d wish to be alone.
He’d bore me with his dulcet tones,
With one word sounding like a tome.

I could not look him in the face.
I did not want him in my place.
I wanted back my personal space.
Return the chump, bring back the chase.

Next Christmas came and I saw red,
For I knew I’d been misled.
So once I had my fill in bed,
I put a bullet through his head!